PTSD and life

Every day I live my life with the spectre of PTSD hanging over my head. Living probably isn't really the right word. More like existing. It is hard to live, really live, when hidden triggers are hiding behind every corner.
It becomes hard to leave my haven, my safe place. And sometimes even my safe place is overrun with triggers. I no longer watch the news. Every time I hear about some child who has been abused, or how some celebrity is actually a pedophile, or how a church covered up abuse, or one of a myriad of similar stories, I feel it. It is like a physical pain. My heart starts to race, adrenalin flows through my body, my stomach churns, I start to shake and twitch. If you are watching me you might notice me taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly, or me twirling a pen in my hands violently, or my leg bouncing up and down.
You won't see me ripping my hair out, or screaming, or rocking back and forth wailing.
I will hide my feelings, my reactions, as much as possible. I will protect those around me as much as I can, whilst my insides twist and turn and rip themselves to shreds. Years of hiding my fear and distaste from my abuser taught me how to look calm on the outside even when you are terrified.
Currently things are really hard. There has been a flood of media about child abuse, pedophilia and all the things associated with it. I don't watch the news, but sometimes other people in my house will and my ears will hear things. It has come to the point where as soon as I hear the opening bars of the news I stick my ipod on and drown out the sound. It is hard enough just having random attacks, without subjecting myself to known triggers.
And that is where it is really awful.
I will be sitting there, farming on Farmville, totally relaxed, calm and then BAM! Adrenalin floods my system and an anxiety attack ensues. Out of nowhere. Many people think the anxiety and panic attacks occur only due to triggers, like a stressful situation, but sometimes they happen when you least expect them, when there is nothing 'unsafe' going on. And that is the hell. Not only to you have to aware of triggers, but also you have to be aware that any time, night or day, you can descend into your own personal hell for no reason at all.
I am, frankly, quite sick of my personal hell.
I don't want to have PTSD.
I don't want to have depression.
I don't want to have anxiety and panic attacks.
I want to be able to walk down the street and not see the face of my abuser in every old man.
I want to be able to go to bed at night and fall asleep.
I want to be able to sleep without reliving the horrors of my abuse.
I want it all to not have happened.
I want to have been protected.

You don't always get what you want.

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I'm Back!

Hey guys!
Just over a year ago I pretty much walked away from this blog. My mental health was in major decline, I had effectively stopped participating in my usual online pursuits, ie selling, handmade etc.
After a while I blogged a bit on Glipho, mainly about nail stuff. Then I started a youtube channel, mainly about beauty stuff, with the intention of eventually doing tutorials in a range of different areas such as beading, nail art and miniatures. If you have any interest in that you can find me here - https://www.youtube.com/user/Haffina

Last night I was in bed and I started to think about this blog and I realised I really wanted to revive it. I really wanted to revive Haffina Creations itself. My creative self is such a huge part of who I am and it has taken a huge battering over the last few years.

So I am back. The content of this blog will almost certainly be different from what it was before, with a lot more focus on beauty and nails, as this is the area that has taken the major part of my focus. I am even contemplating studying to be a nail technician or beautician, or both. I completely understand if some of my readers decide it is time to move on themselves, not everyone cares about the latest make up products or how to paint cows on your finger nails. There will still be some jewellery/chainmaille type stuff, and there will still be some polymer clay stuff, but they won't be the main focus anymore.

I'm very grateful to those who have hung in there, and I really hope I can rely on you for you continued support as I travel on this next leg of my life journey.

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And the winner is..

And we have a winner in the February Plurkie Challenge... well actually we have two winners! That's right, we have a tie between Rhiannon and Haffina! Congrats.

We also have our theme for March which is... LUCK.

To be involved you will need a few simple things:

1) Be a plurkie. If you don't know what that is then you probably aren't one, but we can change that ;)

2) Create something with the theme of Luck. It can be anything, a poem, a picture, a photograph, a sculpture, a piece of jewellery.. anything.. as long as you made it yourself.

3) Send me a copy/image of your piece here along with a few words about it's story by March 25th.

Entries will be blogged here by March 27th with a poll. Winner and next theme will be announced March 31st! Join in, have fun and let's see who gets lucky!

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Plurkie Challenge February

The time has come to share with you all the wonderful creations for the February Plurkie Challenge. We did struggle a little to get entries this month, but with a slight extension we do have entries! So let's get to it.

The theme for February was love, and that means different things to different people.

Here are our entries:

Our first entry is from Rhiannon -

A little Cthulhu holding a heart might not seem like the best representation of love.  A tiny soul-sucking elder who lies dreaming in the abyss isn't very romantic sounding.  Yet, this little chibi creation was created out of love.  My boyfriend of nine years absolutely loves HP Lovecraft and his Cthulhu style creations.  So much that he encouraged me to make a few miniature Cthulhus as holiday gifts.  So was born the Santa Cthulhu.  Then, other friends started to request variations and pretty soon, several little Cthulhus were born. In the midst of that, I created Valentine Cthulhu for my boyfriend.  I took his love of Cthulhu, my love of sculpting and our love together to create this little unworldly creature.  Even sea gods need love. 

Next we have Charlotte -

Over the last 3 months I have been majorly decluttering my home while dealing with social services over my hoarder--like tendencies. During this time my friend Mary has been by my side, emotionally and literally, stepping in where my mother has been unable to because she is half a planet away. Mary has insisted she needs no payment but to know she is helping me get better and to improve the life of my family. We met at our local knitting group but i have been sewing a lot lately and thought i would try my hand at project bags. This fabric with it's cabbages and  roses immediately brought Mary to mind - she is a gardener who loves to make brightly coloured dolls for her friends and extensive family. So while this bag does not scream love in red hearts and sticky chocolates (which Mary is allergic to), it was made with love for a very dear friend.

Next we have Annie -

I made this for my husband :) This is a Dr. Seuss quote and some wedding pictures. It's framed in my house.

And last, but by no means least, we have Jenn aka Haffina (yes me, that's right).

I made this piece with this challenge in mind, hence the little heart detail. I love to make miniature jewellery and I love St Petersburg chain (which is the stitch used). So this is a piece just full of love.

So there we have our entries. There will be a poll up on the right side of the blog for you to vote for your favourite. There will only be a short time to vote, the end of February looms large. So voting will close on my birthday (yes, 28 Feb), but I will aim for a US timeframe :)

Vote and promote, and remember to check back for the results and next month's theme in a few days.

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